Ask Me Anything! "Love-struck Loser"

Dear Penelope,

            I have a huge crush on this girl but the crush cans just don’t cut it. My love cannot be canned into a small but delicious orange soft drink, rather it is a complex feeling defined more by the uncomfortable enigma of Dr. Pepper. I think she is really cute but I’m just too shy to approach her. She is always with her friends in the DP—chilling. How do I get her attention?

God Bless,

Love-struck Loser :'(

Hello LL,

            Sorry to hear about your troubles, but as you may know now, Penelope always has a solution. I know you can do it. HA get it? Tell me if you do. When thinking of the art of love, one must deliberate on the “hot bod”. You must tell her you work out at least 2 times a week, and even sometimes on the weekends when its not too cold out. Whenever you see her, FLEX, every time, no matter the situation, flexing is key—or just be yourself. New Hampton is a majestic and fantastical land; I’ve seen both work. All you need to do is talk to her and maybe ask to hang out. My personal favorite is the completely platonic walk through lover’s lane to see a basketball game together. In the large crowds of the Varsity A games, you will simply become one with the mob thus no rumours can be started. In that situation flexing is optional seeing as the ideal Greek masterpiece, Shawn Preval, taking down statistics with a level once thought to be lost after the somber dismissal of all time great Matt Cole, is in fact present, very present. Nonetheless, do not stare because the chances are that he will most likely stare back, but in the lucky chance that you resist his alluring gaze, just be a true gentleman. Hold the door for her and on the cold, rainy walk back to the dorm, pull your coat over her, cape-style and she shall be yours. Worst case scenario, you just lost a pretty nice jacket.

With love,


Tomohiro Miyachi