New advice for the New Year from Penelope


Dear Penelope,

I have 250 bones, 650 muscles and 50 billion cells inside my body. Lifting up all of that every morning is really hard for me. I play sports to make myself stronger, but my body just gets heavier. I know I should go to sleep earlier, but at night I just don’t feel tired at all. Maybe human beings are night animals, like owls, you know what I mean? What if we’ve been wrong all this time? Should we be eating mice and looking creepy with our eyes wide open?

One day I went to sleep earlier so I could have my eight hours of sleep and I STILL felt tired in the morning. Life is so unfair! I should totally ask for less comfy beds. Maybe their softness is evil.

I also have a question... Why did my breath taste so bad this morning? It felt like I ate a spider or something. It was so disgusting! Maybe I should brush my teeth before having breakfast... Do you brush your teeth before having breakfast?

Thank you, Heavy Sleeper

Dear Heavy Sleeper,

May I call you my secret twin? I mean, you totally sound like me, lol. Maybe we should do a DNA analysis. I have a coupon for one from My cousin did the same one and found out she was a quarter Pomeranian. Get it? Tell me if you do.

Anyway, I understand your problem, young one. Unfortunately, we are not owls. It would be super duper cool, though. Can you imagine it? Being able to fly, being beautiful, having claws, saying uuuh, uuh... Is that how an owl sounds?

About your stinky breath, do not worry. I have stinky breath too, but they say that if you spray perfume in your mouth, you’ll smell really good. It will be kind of disgusting, though. Here’s my advice: tape your mouth shut before you go to sleep so spiders don’t get inside. (They like warm places).

And I agree with you, it’s all a conspiracy of the bed manufacturers to keep us docile. Your long-lost sister,